Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
