He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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