What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
