ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
