Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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