I could make wine with my vomit
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
