Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
