1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
