I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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