I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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