mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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