It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
