Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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