ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
