Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
