Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
