This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
