sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
