I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
