my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am naked and annoyed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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