You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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