Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
two words...techno handjob
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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