Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
