hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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