I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
