im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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