im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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