I met the friendliest cop last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
