She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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