Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
