the condom got lost in my hair
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
