The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
