paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
