FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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