You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
