Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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