I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
