she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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