Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
