I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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