did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
