Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
