I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
