I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
