And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Your face is a jimmy john
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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