dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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