here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
