Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
