After last night, I could never be a politician.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
