After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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