My sheets look like a crime scene.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
